I feel like abortions should bother me more
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
