Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
