Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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