I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
