Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
