Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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