Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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