the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
