I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
