she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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