I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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