Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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