Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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