yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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