just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
