Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
