i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
