I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
BRING THE BAGELS
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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