You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
