I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
