I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
