I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
