K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
