Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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