she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
