I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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