i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
