Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
farters have to be the big spoon...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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