So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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