Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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