hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
