what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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