stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
