When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Don't make out with my wife yet
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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