Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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