sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
