my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
