I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
