i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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