aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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