News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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