pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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