i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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