I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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