i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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