He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
