Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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