I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
