Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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