when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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