I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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