"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
