he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
where are my eyebrows?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
