So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
