my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
