i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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