I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
