There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
