erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
