Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
