Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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