i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
