how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My penis needs a shock collar
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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