If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize