On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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