shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
