Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
