I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
