I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
